“His wellbeing was very much my number one concern, it consumed my whole life.”
Backchat contributor Selena Shannon spoke to Annie, who’s partner developed schizophrenia over a year into their relationship, and clinical psychologist Vera Auerbach, to talk about what can happen to both partners and the best way to handle issues that arise within the relationship.
Annie had been with her boyfriend for two years when he began to develop a mental illness. It was her first serious relationship, she was young, she was in love and she didn’t know what to do.
“I was 19 and I had no real idea how you approach an illness that serious. I didn’t know his parents because they were estranged from each other and his friends didn’t really know anymore than I did. So I was very much thrown in at the deep end.”
When she approached him and offered to contact his doctor and family for help in an effort to gather further support for him, he lashed out – afraid that he would be committed to a mental health institution – and threatened to leave.
“I was unfortunately going on a family holiday the next day for a month, and while I was away he moved to a different city and basically cut me off out of fear.”
Three million Australians live with depression or anxiety. Nearly half (45 per cent) of the population will experience a mental disorder at some stage in their lives. Almost one in five Australians (20 per cent) will experience a mental illness in a 12-month period.
The figures go on. They basically tell the story of a world full of people who have or will experience some form of mental illness during their life.
And we as a society are working hard to educate, understand and accept. There’s mental health week, mental health month, help lines, articles – long lists of avenues to find help, to be there to listen to friends who are having a tough time, to learn how to spot signs that things aren’t right.
We genuinely want to help those experiencing these problems. But what about those who are supporting them, who are trying to be there for them, trying to keep things going.
What happens to you when you’re dating someone with a mental health issue?
Clinical psychologist Vera Auerbach says that in a relationship where one person suffers from a mental health illness, the responsibility of care often falls on to the shoulders of their partner.
“I don’t think it’s fair for partners to become medication dispensers… It’s important that the ‘healthy partner’ doesn’t have the responsibility of being the carer.”
Vera Auerbach says the first thing a couple needs to do is communicate and figure out if they both want to continue the relationship, to make sure one partner isn’t staying on out of a sense of obligation or guilt.
And also that it’s important to acknowledge that feelings of wanting to just run away and escape are perfectly normal. These sorts of situations are difficult and painful, but if the relationship is strong and filled with love, then you can get through it.
“If the two of you are committed, you work out a plan.”
Annie’s relationship unfortunately didn’t have that essential communication, which quickly became a problem.
“He definitely kept me in the dark. He was very afraid that if I found out, or if people found out, that he could be locked away somewhere and have things done to him against his will, so he wanted to be completely in control of his health.”
Vera Auerbach says a partner can’t be forced to seek help, you have to just hope that they will see the worry from their partner.
“Even if the person is in denial, deep down I think they will know the truth that is being said to them. And I guess you don’t have to force them and say get in the car now, we’re going. But to say ‘I’m going to say these things to you, you might not want to hear it but this is my truth.”
The effects on the non-diagnosed partner can be devastating. Vera Auerbach highlights how essential it is that the partner also seek help for their own mental health to make sure they’re being cared for.
“The partner having support is vital. Normally you use your partner to emotionally partner you, but if your partner is incapable of emotionally partnering you at the moment, you need to have another space.”
For Annie in her relationship, she didn’t have anyone to emotionally partner her, she didn’t seek help from professionals for herself until after her relationship had ended and the effects on her have had a lasting effect.
“It had a huge impact on my mental health… it consumed my whole life.”
Annie admits that the experience and subsequent after effects have gone on to impact every relationship since.
“I think we just need more recognition about how mental illness affects the carers of the person with the mental illness, the family and friends. I didn’t know where to start, I didn’t know what facilities there were.”